Suicide by asthma

I know. What a provocative title. But that has been a top worry for me...that I am going to commit suicide by asthma.

My asthma problems date back almost ten years, but I didn't get diagnosed until about a  year ago. It's a seasonal thing. The Fall and Winter  months area hard on me. However, I went almost totally unmedicated last year. Every medication I took agitated me. Forget a puffer. I think my central nervous system was already out of whack from other things and asthma meds were just too much for it.

So this year I boldly decided that I would rather just die from an attack rather than use medicine that would cause a nervous breakdown. I guess this would be like a form of suicide. Of course I chickened out. I started using an asthma control medicine daily. There were side effects but I got used to it. It is supposed to be less stimulating than albuterol. However, I came down with a cold :( And I have been getting this heavy feeling in my chest. Exhaling seems to put a strain on  my lungs, especially after going outside and being exposed to all of this cold weather. And  I have really considered using the puffer tonight...though I know what will happen. I will  get tremors and feel awful.

So I have resigned myself to staying in more, out of the cold, and sipping hot tea. That helps the lungs quite a bit :) Dunno what I would do if I had to work. Gotta give my airway a rest from this weather and run the humidifier tonight.

Personally, suicide by asthma is not my goal and I will try to prevent  it as best I can.

wow, so much for blogging

I thought I would keep up with my writing, but I haven't blogged since September.  I tried to give the whole thing a theme, like reading novels and writing about them. But I never read! Ha!

I am working hard on my novel though. I hand write  it. I like that style better than typing and saving to a computer. I might type it on my typewriter,  but I have nowhere to store the papers. This way, I can just write my story by hand in a composition book or spiral notebook. I already filled on spiral notebook and am now writing in a composition book. It feels like I have a real job and that makes me happy. I was even able to clean a little. I am normally a completely nonfunctioning recluse. My house  in unclean, I barely get out for a haircut, and I'm not looking too good these days physically.

So I guess this blog will have no theme and will  only serve  the purpose of allowing me to get my thoughts out into the open :) Whatever. It's not like I need readers. And I need a break from writing my book. So this will allow me to do some...oh...I don't know...freestyle writing? Just let out whatever pops into  my head these days.

I think what has been going on the  most with  me these days, as  far as any spiritual dilemma that I may have, is that I am not sure that  I should be  living. Let me explain. I had a traumatic childhood (don't ask), and sometimes I really think that  I died at  the age  of 11. Wow, I know. Awfully young. I am now late 20s. Let me explain. I feel like the person that I was was destroyed by other people and maybe even partially myself. Many horrible life experiences came together  to make my life a living  hell, and sometimes I am  not  sure that I really want to keep going. I feel like I'm still living that pain I experienced and it will never go away. I can't marry. I can't have kids. I can't have real friendships. I can't really love anyone except maybe my nieces and nephews and some other very select family and friends.

Why don't  you try  meds?

I have...since  11. And they don't help, and I've been on way too many,  and...

Do you get the picture?

No, I don't. But whatevs?

But what about psychotherapists!

I have...since 11. And they don't help, and I've seen way too many, and...

I think I get the picture...?

Yeah, girl. Fo sho! I've done all the medically indicated crap. You are catching on!

Religion! Try religion!

I have...since 21. And it helps but not enough, and I've  prayed too  much, and....

I'm starting to sense that this is becoming repetitive?

You're telling me! My life  is one big repetition. And there is nothing that I can do about it. I just want a break. I just need one break to happen. One amazing thing needs to happen. I can't live the rest of my life like this. Things need to change. Pronto.

But my biggest fear, my most heartbreaking fear, is that I will be saying this year  after year  after year  until there is nothing left of me.  Until I am dead. And when I am six  feet under I will have never experience a real life.

I feel like I just typed a nightmare.