Barack Obama: Vampire Hunter

Because I have decided that I do not care about politics, and only care about vampires, I decided that I won't be writing about health care reform, school reform, etc. I'm just going to write about vampire reform.

What we do not realize is that this country currently has a shortage of vampire slayers. Often times they end up dead in some back alley somewhere, and they are almost always in their 20s. The average Joe might assume the poor slayer was a druggie who died of a drug overdose. They are often degraded and posthumously thought to be irresponsible adults. But that is only because no one ever thinks to check for vampire bites. Slayers have short life spans (for obvious reasons), and so there is a high turnover rate and a perpetual shortage. This is the biggest threat to America right now. Without trained vampire hunters, how can we ever hope to be safe in our beds? The vampires will surely take over the country before long!

Our most famous vampire hunter, Abraham Lincoln, was obviously an outlier. He survived well into middle age. And he was responsible for the biggest mass vampire slaying (during the Civil War) ever. He will always be remembered for his courage in battling the vampires who lived in the Southern states and would feed on plantation slaves. Thank God for the freeing of those slaves. To be sold to vampires as a midnight snack or dinner was a far worse fate than any other they could endure. Lincoln will always be remembered as our longest surviving and most influential vampire hunter.

 But currently, we have another famous slayer. He is the professional vampire hunter, Barack Obama. He is the first vampire hunter since Lincoln to survive into middle age and to become a president. Bravo Mr. President. Bravo. No longer able to feed on slaves, the vampires often abduct innocent children to feed on. But more recently, they caused a giant fungal meningitis outbreak when they attacked steroid recipients receiving their injections and thereby transmitted a deadly fungus, found only on the fangs of vampires, to the patients. The news blames it on faulty hygiene concerning the injections. But all educated people on the topic know the truth...these people died of a vampire attack. And our most famous hunter, who is one of the last greats, is too busy in office to slay these savages.

So please, regardless of who you vote for, just remember that vampires are our biggest issue as a nation right now. It is no longer enough to have our presidents serving as our vampire hunters. From what I understand, Mitt Romney has been training extensively with wooden stakes and a mighty battle axe, but what about the average American? It's not about what your country can do for you. It is about what you can do for your country! Fight the good fight! Make plenty of wooden stakes. Chop some wood so you can get the feel of an axe slicing into something. We all need to get involved and rid this country of vampires and their meningitis outbreaks and other catastrophes.

Thank you all soo much for listening.