Suicide by asthma

I know. What a provocative title. But that has been a top worry for me...that I am going to commit suicide by asthma.

My asthma problems date back almost ten years, but I didn't get diagnosed until about a  year ago. It's a seasonal thing. The Fall and Winter  months area hard on me. However, I went almost totally unmedicated last year. Every medication I took agitated me. Forget a puffer. I think my central nervous system was already out of whack from other things and asthma meds were just too much for it.

So this year I boldly decided that I would rather just die from an attack rather than use medicine that would cause a nervous breakdown. I guess this would be like a form of suicide. Of course I chickened out. I started using an asthma control medicine daily. There were side effects but I got used to it. It is supposed to be less stimulating than albuterol. However, I came down with a cold :( And I have been getting this heavy feeling in my chest. Exhaling seems to put a strain on  my lungs, especially after going outside and being exposed to all of this cold weather. And  I have really considered using the puffer tonight...though I know what will happen. I will  get tremors and feel awful.

So I have resigned myself to staying in more, out of the cold, and sipping hot tea. That helps the lungs quite a bit :) Dunno what I would do if I had to work. Gotta give my airway a rest from this weather and run the humidifier tonight.

Personally, suicide by asthma is not my goal and I will try to prevent  it as best I can.

wow, so much for blogging

I thought I would keep up with my writing, but I haven't blogged since September.  I tried to give the whole thing a theme, like reading novels and writing about them. But I never read! Ha!

I am working hard on my novel though. I hand write  it. I like that style better than typing and saving to a computer. I might type it on my typewriter,  but I have nowhere to store the papers. This way, I can just write my story by hand in a composition book or spiral notebook. I already filled on spiral notebook and am now writing in a composition book. It feels like I have a real job and that makes me happy. I was even able to clean a little. I am normally a completely nonfunctioning recluse. My house  in unclean, I barely get out for a haircut, and I'm not looking too good these days physically.

So I guess this blog will have no theme and will  only serve  the purpose of allowing me to get my thoughts out into the open :) Whatever. It's not like I need readers. And I need a break from writing my book. So this will allow me to do some...oh...I don't know...freestyle writing? Just let out whatever pops into  my head these days.

I think what has been going on the  most with  me these days, as  far as any spiritual dilemma that I may have, is that I am not sure that  I should be  living. Let me explain. I had a traumatic childhood (don't ask), and sometimes I really think that  I died at  the age  of 11. Wow, I know. Awfully young. I am now late 20s. Let me explain. I feel like the person that I was was destroyed by other people and maybe even partially myself. Many horrible life experiences came together  to make my life a living  hell, and sometimes I am  not  sure that I really want to keep going. I feel like I'm still living that pain I experienced and it will never go away. I can't marry. I can't have kids. I can't have real friendships. I can't really love anyone except maybe my nieces and nephews and some other very select family and friends.

Why don't  you try  meds?

I have...since  11. And they don't help, and I've been on way too many,  and...

Do you get the picture?

No, I don't. But whatevs?

But what about psychotherapists!

I have...since 11. And they don't help, and I've seen way too many, and...

I think I get the picture...?

Yeah, girl. Fo sho! I've done all the medically indicated crap. You are catching on!

Religion! Try religion!

I have...since 21. And it helps but not enough, and I've  prayed too  much, and....

I'm starting to sense that this is becoming repetitive?

You're telling me! My life  is one big repetition. And there is nothing that I can do about it. I just want a break. I just need one break to happen. One amazing thing needs to happen. I can't live the rest of my life like this. Things need to change. Pronto.

But my biggest fear, my most heartbreaking fear, is that I will be saying this year  after year  after year  until there is nothing left of me.  Until I am dead. And when I am six  feet under I will have never experience a real life.

I feel like I just typed a nightmare.

Boldly Going Nowhere

These days, I have the attention span of a gnat. It's ridiculous. I don't read, unless I am skimming. I take that back. I do read internet message boards with intensity. Ugh. Ridiculous.

However, in an attempt to get back into being a regular reader, I did check out The Okinawan Program from the library. I also bought the Okinawan Diet Plan. The former is about the lifestyle of the Okinawans, and this includes their diet. The later, the Okinawan Diet Plan, is solely about the diet.

I actually prefer the "Program", because it mentions other things in the lives of the Okinawans that keep them slim and healthy. Martial arts was one of them. Many Okinawans practice martial arts. Martial arts, even Tai Chi, are healthy for us because they have the ability to work the whole body.

Personally, I like cycling and jumping on a mini trampoline. but I realize that those activities only work the lower body muscles (the legs). However, I do try to throw in yoga as much as possible in order to work my whole self. Yogilates is another one that I like to do, because it really works your core.\

The other things the book mentions are their low stress lifestyle, strong social supports, spirituality, etc. Their are many factors that make a person healthy. And all of these factors have given the Okinawans long lives, low cancer rates, and low heart attack rates. I'm horrible with numbers, but they are the healthiest people on the planet. Wish I could cite some percentages. But I'm lazy. You can all do that yourselves.

I will close with this piece of wisdom. The Okinawans believe that you can't call it a meal unless there is rice. So eat lots of brown rice! White rice is fine, but eating brown rice regularly packs plenty of fiber and other nutrients. Brown rice used to be a staple in Okinawa before they could all afford the nice, sticky white stuff. But that sticky white stuff is not nearly as good for us. So go brown.

Dream Comes True

My typewriter arrived today! I am so excited. Now I just have to figure out how it works. It comes with correcting tape and a daisy wheel. I will have to call the typewriter company to ask how exactly I am supposed to put this typing machine together and get it up and running. I heard a horrible grinding sound when I tried to start it up. The instructions say that is a sign that the insides are pushed up against packing material. Didn't see any packing material, but I am sure that this mystery will be resolved.  It won't be long before I am hammering out quite a novel :) So happy.

Prologue and Chapter 1 of The Spellman Files

So far, I find the book to be fast paced and very friendly to any reader with attention issues (it shifts topics very quickly, and the first chapter is actually divided up into parts.) It actually reminds me of Catch-22, because it has a lot of different characters, settings, and it is very much an ensemble performance made by the every one of these fictional characters. It is also very funny and has over the top scenarios. It even has the same publisher: Simon and Schuster. However, Catch-22 is told from the perspective of an omniscient third party, and this story is told from the perspective of 28 year old Isabelle Spellman.

Isabelle starts us off with a prologue featuring a very unusual car chase that involves a twist at the end, so I do not feel comfortable getting into too many details about it. 72 hours later she is being interrogated by an inspector. She needs to start her story from the beginning for the inspector, and so that is exactly what she does for the readers. She goes all the way back to the beginning. She discusses her parents and how they first met, she describes her perfect older brother David, her younger sister Rae, her New Uncle Ray, and herself and her friend Petra. I actually really enjoyed that setup, because of how much character development there was. I really feel like I got to know her family and its dynamics.

The dynamic of her family nearly destroys her as a child and even as an adult. She really doesn't "grow up" until she's 23. From the time she is a little girl, she is very jealous of her older brother David. He is perfect in every way and she cannot live up to that. She styles herself the troublemaker in the family and gets progressively worse as she ages. As a child she is only guilty of pranks. But as she becomes a teen, she is committing crimes, not doing homework, drinking, trying to sell blow...You get the picture. Her parents cannot understand what is wrong with her. But her brother David seems to instinctively know what the problem is. The problem is him. She cannot live up to him and so she acts out. Out of guilt, David becomes even more perfect. He does everything to cover for her and be the best older brother a younger sister ever had. It isn't until she is 23, and sees how much her behavior is affecting David, that she really starts to change and become a mature adult.

Certainly, in my own life, I can relate to Izzy. I also had a "perfect" older brother. Well...not as perfect as David. But he was generally considered better than me in every way possible. He was smarter, friendlier, more athletic, etc. And that is a very hard thing to live up to, especially if your parents don't like you as much as your older sibling. As an adult, it is something that I have to be aware of, and I need to realize that I am good enough as I am. As the low man on the totem pole in my own family, I need to recognize that I only need to live up to the standards that I set for myself. I saw myself as the bad one in my family, and it had consequences in other areas of my life. Izzy finds this out in the book. The more she sees herself as the darkness to her brother's light, the worse she becomes--more drunk, irresponsible, and setting a horrible example for her younger sister. Once she changes her perception of herself, that she does not have to be as bad as her brother isn't, she becomes a better person. I don't have to be the screwup in my family, and I hope that most people who are considered the screwup kid realize this as well. Valuing yourself can take you further than the value your family places on you ever will.

More goals

I believe it is time for a new goal while I await the arrival of my new typewriter...

I am going to read a book and then blog about it. I choose The Spellman Files. I am a fan of mystery books. I just checked it out from the library, and it is supposed to be a funny mystery. So my next post will be about the book. I don't think it will be like a book review. I will read some of the book, write about my thoughts on it, read some more, write about that, and so on...So it will be kind of a different formula from reading a book and then writing or discussing it. My thoughts and reactions will unfold over time. And maybe, just maybe, this exercise will help me to write my novel. It will help me to think of how novels are written, what the reader thinks while they are putting a novel together, and how novels are divided up and read over time.

So here I go! Off to read The Spellman Files and report on what I learn.

The typewriter and getting things done

So, my dreams are coming true! I have ordered an electronic typewriter :) I can't wait for it to arrive in the mail! My novel should be out of my brain and onto typed paper in no time.

In more news, my dream of a clean home is also on its way to coming true as well. I have a cleaning lady coming tomorrow. I'm only going to have her work on about half the house, but it's a start.

I have found that putting my thoughts to this blog actually helps me to accomplish things. It helps me to envision what I want and then make it come true. Is this like The Secret? Isn't The Secret where you envision what you want and then the universe helps to make it happen? Or maybe I have some higher power looking out for me? I like to think so.

I think I would like to encourage blogging in order to renew their intentions. I have found it to be very healthy.